How to Control Anger in Relationships

The major friction events, would suggest some kind of incompatability, but we cannot give a blanket judgement, as sometimes some minor friction can be blown out of proportion. Someone once said that if you could only get rid of just two things within ourselves there would be peace and harmony within the world. Those two things are expectation and judgement. It is human to do both things, we expect a husband or wife or friend to behave in a certain way. And then when our expectations are not met we heap judgement on them.


It is your choice whether or not you decide to blow up now that you have seen the mind mechanics at work!  In relationships with others and even with ourselves we have triggers that can set us off on the anger spiral. If we can recognise what that trigger is that is the first step in combatting the anger. These triggers are another way of saying what is it that allows someone to push your buttons? Remember no one can “make” us feel badly about ourselves. When our buttons have been pressed recognise that as an INVITATION to get angry but one that you do NOT accept! When we are angry this implies the following:-

□● We are beating ourselves up
Stop beating yourself up! It’s totally okay to be imperfect, have flaws, not have it all together. Instead offer yourself a loving environment within your body. Accept yourself as you are, warts and all. Love yourself unconditionally! We are all in growing personally as human beings, learning as we go.  Its okay to make mistakes so dont continue to beat yourself up for mistakes you have made in the past. Love yourself and move on. It is just as important to love ourselves as we love our partners and more so. If we cannot love ourselves, can we expect someone else to love us?
□● We are feeling insecure or inadequate
When our buttons have been pressed quite often there is either some truth in what has been said or it is so wrong it has become offensive. Either way loved one, it is ok to be imperfect. We are all on a journey of personal growth including the partner that has been able to press your buttons.
In addition, please recognise how our minds can become accustomed to over reacting even conditioned to overreacting unless we see the real mechanics at work.
We are in the driver seat always when it comes to controlling our reactions or response to a person or situation. It is force of habit that has led us to believe otherwise. Know that we control our bodies and minds. When we become angry we have allowed externalities control over us. This is disempowering! Take back control of your body and mind. Tell yourself it is okay to allow yourself to scream. But after that breathe deeply, walk away and collect yourself.  Give yourself time to regain balance. Go for a walk. Lock the doors to your room away from annoyances and play some uplifting music.
Recognise what triggered you so that over time this will have less power over you!
Later we take a look at the strong possibility that we are in a relationship with the wrong personalty type. This may be why we are continually experiencing anger.
“If she wasn’t so miserable everyday the environment may be more peaceful”. If your partner is experiencing depression or an illness, this may create anger within you. This is not really directed at the other party but is more a feeling of helplessness. You wish they were emotionally stronger. You wish they were not ill. Try not to judge this person’s seeming lack of strength. Perhaps if you were in their shoes you too might be equally “weak/making the wrong decisions/behaving illogically”. In other words in any relation, the less we are critical or judgmental of our partners the more healthy the relationship will be. Please note that we should not be critical and judgmental of ourselves either. This is a form of self hate which also leads to anger and rage.
Or perhaps the person has lost his job and has felt a very low level of motivation. This too can create friction where one party is feeling the financial burden. Another situation may present itself if one is feeling a disproportionate physical burden within the relationship. A new born has arrived, mother feels overwhelmed. Hubby does not seem to be pulling his weight. Strong personal resolve and belief in ones ability to cope is required. Strong ability to adapt to the new evolving situation is required. Also recommended is a form of home meditation, physical excercise and short breaks. These are crucial to take the edge off any emotional extremes and gain better mental clarity. Additional multivitamin nutritional supplements will also be useful. Please also see my post on morning pages which provide spectacular results.
Know that habituated anger causes health problems like high blood pressure and depression. Do you really want to allow yourself to spiral downwards? This is absolutely a decision on your part to react with verbal violence or measured peaceful response. That peaceful response may mean leaving a bad relationship. But let’s investigate further.



Most of the time a relationship can be saved, but sometimes these feelings of anger can almost be coerced and sustained if we are in a relationship with the wrong type. For instance, we may have “justifiable” anger when we are experiencing condescension or demeaning behaviour. When this happens on a regular basis this points to a deep insecurity within the person that is condescending. You will need to have plenty of patience for this person if at all possible. You will need to help them to see that you are not trying to play one upmanship with them! Ask yourself how angry can you be at someone so desperately insecure! Ask yourself too if you can live with this person’s deep insecurities for the long term and be happy.
There is such thing as narcissistic rage which can be either in ourselves or our partner. Rage can occur when we believe that we have total control or should have total control over someone else or a particular circumstance. This is simply not possible, it is unrealistic to think that we should have that level of control over someone or something.
An example is where there is a dominant partner that is manipulative or controlling or continually pressing your buttons(even after you have pointed this out), then a holiday from that relationship might be useful! Use this time to evaluate your feelings and whether or not there was still anger arising with you just as frequently. Examine whether or not you managed to gain a semblance of calm now that this person is out of the picture for a while! This will give you the biggest clue about the dynamics of that relationship and it’s effect on your health no less.
I encourage and hope for the relationships of others to be secure and joyful. Ask yourself honestly whether this relationship has this potential. People can and do change where there is a will but people rarely do if there is a deep rooted personality issue. The types that rarely change are the wife beaters, manipulators, controllers and narcissists. They are primarily concerned with satisfying their own needs, desires and wants. If you have a strong personality, it stands to reason that you would be continually angry without necessarily being able to pin point why.

Thus, how to control anger in healthy relationships comes down to recognising within ourselves this expectation and judgemental dynamic within us. But For additional information on how to control anger please use the following link anger control activities

Please leave a kind comment if you like my work.

Peace and love


12 Comments on “How to Control Anger in Relationships”

  1. I like that you pointed out that we don’t have to go in on the “invitation” when someone is pushing our buttons. I never looked it that way. Next time that someone is annoying me or taking it too far, I’ll think to myself “sorry, I have other plans.”

    Silly, but I think it will help me to see the humor in the situation and keep my cool. That way I can deal better with it without exploding and saying things I may regret.

    Thanks for your post very insightful

  2. This is excellent content Ann. Very good advice for any relationship! There are several things you said I’ve made a mental note of concerning my relationship with my better half. Thanks for sharing.

  3. Great article, Ann.
    This part really resonated with me:
    “Know that habituated anger causes health problems like high blood pressure and depression.”
    I think too often, people think of anger as a fleeting emotion (which of course, it can be) but it can definitely become a problem, health wise, if it’s not addressed.

  4. It’s good to know that you have taken the time to write such a thoughtful post. I have friends that your advice can definitely help, so I’ll share this post with them.

  5. You have written a great article. We all, at times, will have to deal with anger. It is one thing to have the feeling of anger, it is wrong to act on it in a negative way.

    You made a great point at unconditional love. We need to learn to love those who push our buttons.

    Sometimes it is better to get away from an abusive relationship. No one should be a punching bag. I only encourage everyone, to make sure they tried everything else first. Someone should try council, before separation if at all possible. Sometimes a person’s life will be in danger, it those cases run as fast as you can.

  6. Thank you for this article. I am sure you would have helped a lot of people. Anger is a very dangerous weapon, but it is something we can take control of. But we also first do need to recognize it within ourselves in order to change it. How you react to a situation, a person or problem is up to you, it is your choice. Hopefully through this article people will realize this and make the correct choice. Anger and the negative actions you proceed with as a result is never the solution. Love thy neighbor, love thyself. Anger will soon disappear if we all do this

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